I'm having a funny kind of week. I just realized something about myself... sometimes.
Sometimes I'm just like the ants in the movie "A Bug's Life." Do you remember that opening scene where the ants are all in line carrying their nuts, fruits and leaves, all following each other smoothly, each step of the way in a procession to the end-- an altar of food for the grasshoppers? That is... until a leaf drops and there's... gasp!... a gap in the line. The ants freak out and don't know what to do. They just stand there, jumping around, screaming, and totally confused.
It isn't until one of the manager ants (manager ants? is that what you would call them?) runs over yelling, "Do not panic! Do not panic! We are trained professionals! Just stay calm! We are going AROUND the leaf! That's it. Good! Good! You are doing great. There you go! Watch my eyes. Don't look away. Aaaaand there's the line again. Great job everybody!"
I've just recently realized that sometimes life is like this for me. I have all the steps laid out for a certain project, or event, or even just the day-to-day routine and while most of the time I'm fine and finish everything smoothly AND on schedule... there are just some of those times where if one thing goes wrong, if something hasn't been quite finished, or I'm waiting on someone else to mail me something or finish their step of the way, I get stuck.
And can't move past it.
And when I say "can't move past it," what I mean is--- everything in life just seems to stop.
I stop answering emails, I stop blogging, I get annoyed if someone tries to sidetrack me by wanting me to do anything else besides this one step and I can barely focus on anything else (besides, of course, getting dressed, feeding my family and the basics.) I get so focused on how to finish or solve the problem that I almost forget everything else. I sort of feel like Princess Atta--- Stressed and can't move forward.
The thing is I can't believe I have this quality sometimes. Because most other times I have a pretty cool head. I'd say 85 % of the time (at least that's what I believe of myself. Others might think differently) I feel I am pretty cool headed. But then there's this other 15% that just stops all the presses.
I can't really tell you what project it is that I'm working on right now that is causing me to stop life, but just know that it is one of the reasons I haven't blogged in two weeks (and I even get this way with blogging when I have to sort through pictures from a big event), haven't registered my kids for soccer, or haven't sent out my New Year's cards I wanted to send out two weeks ago... I can't tell you because it'll give it away to the person I'm making it for.
But it was this project that, in my morning fog and ultimate focus on how to
obsess about, devote another one of my entire days to make it work somehow... I had a realization, a dawning, and a shake-your-head-embarrassment insight into a laughable and pretty ridiculous quality about myself. That I needed to just let it go, go "around the leaf," move on, and possibly (is there such a thing? whew. I'm learning there is) do some of the other steps of the project that could be done while I'm waiting.
I get this way about my "To Do List." Sometimes I get so focused on crossing things off the "List" (yes, with a capital L... at least that's the way it seems since I give so much power to it) that I barely emerge out of my
hibernation house to run errands or go to meetings. Sometimes I literally have to pull my brain away from the "To Do List" and just relax.
Case in point-There is a project I was working on yesterday (no, this isn't the main project I'm referring to above... this is ANOTHER, I guess, stoppable project... sheesh). I really needed to make some little baptism bags for a few children who are being baptized THIS SUNDAY. I couldn't cut them out because I needed pins to secure the material from sliding around. But I had no pins. And every time I sat down to my sewing machine, I also saw the shirt I have needed to take in (something I also needed pins for) and fix a rip in the side of Brian's white shorts, that I, too, needed pins for. But again, no pins. Oh, and both projects have been sitting on my sewing machine for... about 6 months.
Where were all my pins, you ask? Well, I'll tell you... stuck around the outside of a quilt that I've been trying to make for oh... about 4 years (since I found out I was pregnant with Spencer What the heck is wrong with me!!!!). A quilt that is only ONE PIECE OF MATERIAL... a simple piece of green material that I was trying to put some ribbon-like binding around the outside. Should be easy, right? Wrong. It kept slipping when I tried pinning it on the past 3 years. So it sat... for 3 years. I set it aside and didn't work on it but it was in my "projects" pile and I just couldn't let it go. So when Brittany came, I asked her to pin it on... 6 months ago.
Then I tried sewing it and the thread kept pulling out and not grabbing the underside of the ribbon.
So I set it aside.
Then came yesterday. I knew I needed pins for these bags so I attempted to sew the dang thing again. It didn't work AGAIN so I tried hand sewing it. See? Trying to find solutions to plow THROUGH the leaf.
It looked horrible.
I picked it all out and just sat there, thinking, all I need are these dang pins, but I can't get them out until I sew this, and I don't want to NOT sew it cuz I'll waste all this material (mind you... it probably only cost me $10 and it was so long ago I don't even remember how much it cost me), and even if Spencer won't like it when it's finished cuz he hates fleece material and will only sleep with flannel I'll just gift it to someone but who maybe Katie but would she even like it if it doesn't look professional and why can't I just sew this dang thing aunt dianne makes it look so easy maybe I need a new sewing machine but I don't really need a new sewing machine cuz I don't sew enough and my serger is great it's too bad I don't know how to use the serger without the cutting mechanism dangit why can't I do this i'm such a loser....
(you know all the runon thoughts that just stream through your head... the best were the great self sabotaging ones).
Then I stopped.
Christy... Go around the freaking leaf!
Just freaking take all the pins out, roll up the ribbon/material and GIVE IT AWAY TO THE DANG THRIFT STORE!!!! Be done with it and call it a day.
So I did. I ripped all those pins out so fast, tossed them on the sewing table, rolled the ribbon around my hand haphazardly, threw it into a grocery bag and chucked it... into my "extra material/play with" bin. (Haha-I couldn't bear to give it a way just yet, right?. :) Maybe someone will want it that I know and can give it a good home).
Then I took the shirt I wanted to take in and just hung it back up in my closet (it wasn't that bad) and threw Brian's shorts out into the Thrift Store box (sorry Brian, they were old shorts and would look funny if I tried stitching them up. Maybe someday... if you really need it... but not til summertime... it's too cold anyway. :) Maybe I should have just gone and bought more pins. hahaha.
Baptism bags. 20 of them sewn and finished.
(I do, however, need to sew the buttons onto my coat... that one there's no giving up cuz it was a new coat, which irks me even more).
Now onto going around the leaf for my other ongoing project. I'll for sure post when I'm done. I'm gonna have to do some serious channeling to imagine going around the leaf on this one. I still keep thinking I can fix just that one problem, but alas, I keep running into obstacles.
Here's hoping to fixing the gap in the line and moving on with life! I gotta remember to be like Flik and follow my heart, focus on my bigger Plan (I should make it a capital "P" and give more power to that, right?) to make life better and someday conquer the world AND the grasshoppers!
(Remember my little caterpillar?